Dear Burglars,

It being traditional that burglaries occur in twos, and, a few weeks having passed since your first visit, you'll no doubt be calculating the optimum time to return to my flat, in order to take ownership of the inevitable shiny new replacements for the items you swagged last time.

In which case, there are some things you should be aware of.

1. No such replacements exist.  The moderately low-end computer that you stole was not insured.  If it comes to that, it wasn't strictly mine, it had been given to me by a good friend to help me out of a spot when my (even older) computer died one day.  I will be replacing the computer (thanks, in no small part, to the generosity of my Mother) but it will be equally low-end, and certainly not worth your while nicking.

2. In the unlikely event that you do visit me again, please don't bother emptying every drawer I have all over the floor.  I am a hoarder, and keep nothing of any value therein. My drawers are merely full of junk,

3. I have installed a burglar alarm, for your inconvenience.  The siren is exceedingly loud.  It is also placed only about a foot away if you try to break down the door again.  The police will no doubt be aided in their search for you by the description, "somewhat deaf, bleeding from the left ear".

4. If we don't encounter each other again, do at least be kind to my little car.  It's been a good friend over the last ten years, and deserved better.

Yours faithfully,
BaldJohn